Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
You Might Also Like
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
dictator is short for richard potato
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Still cracks me up