*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
FRED: right
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut