I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.