banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
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This is always good for a laugh.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE