Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.