Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
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Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.