Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
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[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
You can’t outrun your problems…
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
this has to be peak English
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Cheers Twitter.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.