He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Oceanography is all about current events
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Fights fire with marshmallows
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”