it was love at first sight
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Love this one 😂🧟
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal