I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet