ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
You Might Also Like
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
How it started: How it’s going:
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.