I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
reminder
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”