Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Hmm, not sure about this change
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
How I like cutting carbs
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f