Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
the Monday after daylight savings
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So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
TODAY
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!