[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
You Might Also Like
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.