Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster