As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
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I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what