we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
This why you should mind your business
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.