Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…