You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware