If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The happy life.. 😊
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Why I divorced her.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?