PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’d use my best pan on you.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.