Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
#dnd #ttrpg
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick