Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.