The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
X-tra spooky blend
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too