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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Feels
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Dune (2021)
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The Birdles
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?