Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
You Might Also Like
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.