wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
dogs can find happiness so easily
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Traveler’s camo
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!