putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball