My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
.. do you even science?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job