Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*