Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Body by Oreos
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza