I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I never needed anything more in my life
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
For those that worship cheese..
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!