Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?