Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor