[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Still laughing at this stupid meme
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved