I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.