Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The asteroid..
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
That eye roll….
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!