Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Denise please return my vape pen
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.