RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks