[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high![]()
You Might Also Like
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
![]()
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
this is uni
![]()
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.