[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You Might Also Like
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
why am I working on Labor Day
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.