15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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beware of dog
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.