I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.