the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
crochet youtube is brutal
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms