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I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*