I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out