“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
He-man has a Masters degree
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.