My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right