Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*