Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…