*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
We need more people like this.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.